Not What I Was Expecting

July 3rd, hubby’s schedule messed up, kids have to go with me to my OB apt. Having been in the military and having Byron go through the OSHP academy it wasn’t a new task, but it still wasn’t a convenient one. I decided to plan ahead, leave early and hit the store for some snacks. We stopped at aldi’s and got snacks then headed over to Chic-Fill-A to pick up some lunch. Drove to the clinic loaded Avynne, the snacks, drinks, lunch and a last minute thought of the kids library books into the stroller. Got Killien’s shoes on and headed for the door. 

There was an interesting time with the elevator as we were closest to the door but the man in the wheelchair inside needed to get out sooner. I should have just waited for the next one, but it would have only delayed the inevitable. We got upstairs, got checked in, sat down to eat. Avynne insisted that the cup of lemonade be kept in her holder. It only took about 5 minutes for it to fall to the floor and have the straw come out the bottom of the styrofoam cup all at the same time resulting in an entire glass of lemonade all over the floor. Maddissyn asked the receptionist for paper towels. When what we were given wasn’t enough she had to go back 3 more times. Ugh, crazy kids. 

It was our turn now little man went to the door when my name was called and the nurse asked if he was me. He looked a little confused shook his head and pointed to me. We walked through the halls to the weight and blood pressure room. I had gained a pound and blood pressure was good. Off to the exam room. My doctors nurse practitioner came in. She told me that my labs and blood work from my last appointment were perfect and everything looked good. Then she looked for the baby’s heart beat with the little Doppler machine. She couldn’t find anything, but assured me that sometimes at 14 weeks it can be hard to find, but she wanted to take a look with the sonogram machine. The kids and I filed back out and towards another room. They were excited to see the baby just as they had seen Avynne a couple of years ago. Avynne was clueless as to what was going on but was happy as can be. 

I got up on the bed she turned on the machine and placed the warm gel on my stomach.  Then she placed the machines “paddle?” on my stomach and as I looked at the screen there was no need for explanation. The background music of my kids asking me where the baby was as well as the downward facing and motionless body of the baby that just 4 weeks before had been moving actively will forever be burned in my memory. There was no need for the sonogram tech to confirm though she gently shook her head at my nurse who then immediately apologized and related the message that I already knew. My beautiful bouncing baby from a few weeks ago was measuring at just 11 weeks when I was now 14 weeks and 4 days along. His or her heartbeat was nowhere to be found.

I was puzzled by how small the baby was as it was just a week before that I had thrown up for what seemed like the last time. My morning sickness was beginning to ease and I was getting into that great second trimester phase. I’m still waking up a few times a night to pee and yet this is saying that my baby is no bigger than what he/she should have been just a few days after my last exam where everything was perfect. No indication in my labs of an approaching miscarriage, a nice strong heart beat and yet here I am with all 3 of my babies looking at the image of my now dead baby inside of me.

We were moved to a more private room and waited for Byron to return the staff’s phone call. He wasn’t in a service area and it took him a while to get back to us. When I talked to him on the phone was the next time I broke down crying. He said he had to call someone and he would call back. A few minutes later the nurse informed me that he had called back for directions and would be there soon. The kids and I sat in the little room. We ate our snacks, read our library books, and wasted countless amounts of surgical gloves playing doctor and blowing them up like turkey shaped balloons. 

Byron finally arrived after what seemed like forever and we hugged for a few minutes until the nurse came into to discuss options. We had two, a procedure called dilate and suction in which I would have to be sedated with a tube down my throat and my baby would be suctioned out of me, or to wait it out and see if my body does things naturally. We decided to go the natural route.

So now we wait. I wait for my body to recognize the fact that my baby is dead. I wait to see what labor at this stage of pregnancy will feel like. I avoid most of the blogs that are scaring me to death regarding pain because every case is different. I am, however, clinging to one post by a woman who talked about how seeing her pregnancy through to completion and delivering her tiny infant was a healing process and felt almost redemptive. Still, I wait. Not knowing when things might start or how. Not wanting it to in many ways because right now I can still cling to the hope of a miracle. 

I believe in a God of resurrection and healing. I believe that if it is His will to minister to others through the resurrection of my baby’s life that he is perfectly and completely capable of doing so. I also believe that this is not the only way in which many can be reached through this situation. While this is a devastating and horribly sad time for myself and my family, we have the hope of an eternity spent together. This is a hope that many do not know. For them loss of physical life means forever, for me, it means just for now. It is my desire that whichever way God chooses to take this situation that I will be gracious enough to follow His will. 

Yesterday before I headed to my appointment I had an awesome, biblically based, and extremely spiritual conversation with my aunt in which we talked about letting God steal our show. Not in the most basic of ways, but in some of the most extreme ways to give up to God the control we so desperately long to keep. We talked about the Toby Mac song Steal My Show and how in some of the final words of that song he tells God that if God needs to he is willing to give up his career, his fears, his family. I want to live what I sing with Toby Mac every time that song comes on the radio, and right now I have the opportunity to do that.

This doesn’t mean I’m not sad. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry. It doesn’t mean I won’t go through a process of mourning that any loss of life will bring. It does mean that I will choose to see that even when the answers can’t be found that I can be sure that my God knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) I can also be confident that He who started a good work in me will see it through to completion (Philippians 1:6)

My God is the God of miracles, but they don’t always happen exactly as we would like. In November of 2010, I was fully unaware of why God would allow me to have a positive pregnancy test only to find out a week later that it was a chemical pregnancy that ended quicker then it would take most people to even realize they were pregnant. A little over a month later we found we were pregnant again on Killien’s first birthday. My little princess Avynne resulted from that pregnancy and I could not imagine life without her. If that first pregnancy test had resulted in a baby, my sweet baby princess wouldn’t be here today. She wouldn’t be hugging and kissing on me today. 

So here’s to trusting that even when the small piece of the puzzle we have available to us now is full of pain and heartache, that the big picture plan of an omniscient God and loving Savior is greater then any pain we may face in the day to day. To quote Casting Crowns,

From where I'm standing 

Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Oh, oh

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit [x2]

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

Abba Father, You are already there. I trust that from where you are standing you have a grand design that was made just for me when you breathed me into life. I trust that through the heartaches of this life and world that you have many more Avynne’s planned for me. Blessings that I can’t yet see, blessings that are bigger and better than any I could have imagined or planned for myself. I trust that I don’t have anything to fear in the mystery of this life for you have plans not to harm me, but to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. I pray for your peace that surpasses all understanding as many of my questions will most likely be left unanswered. I pray for your healing in our family, and your hand on our lives as we mourn this loss. I pray that if it is your will that you let my witness be that of a miracle of resurrection, but if that is not in your will that you allow me to focus on sharing the hope of eternity that I have with those who have gone through or are going through similar situations. I ask all of this in your loving, comforting, peace giving name Jesus, Amen.