To be perfectly honest...

So unfortunately, I think a lot of times as moms or just humans we try and hide our insufficiencies instead of voicing them and finding that others have in some way been there too. This would in turn lead us to support, advice, or just someone who helps you to feel normal instead of like a failure.

So here I go...

Unlike the pending births of my older two children, this time around I'm not excited, I'm not looking forward to it, and quite honestly I can't get the thought that I really don't want to be having a baby right now out of my mind. This was not how I felt the whole pregnancy, but who cares how I felt a month ago when today as labor and delivery day is staring me in the face I can't help but wish that I wasn't about to bring another child into this world.

There are a great many stresses in my life right now and unfortunately it seems nothing is going as planned. I struggle with constant plan changes. In many ways I learned a lot of flexibility being married to a military man, but my flexibility only goes so far and unfortunately in the past year my plans have been changed a lot. We originally thought Byron would be almost done with the academy at this point having heard rumor of a spring class, Avynne was not exactly a planned pregnancy and that story actually begins with a hormonal pregnancy the month before that was not planned (so just as we were getting use to be pregnant we found out we weren't and then just as we were okay with that being the case we found out that we were again), we are having drama with the guard, and now trying to plan out how to diminish that drama with the guard get Byron to all of the orientations he needs to go to for the patrol and try to make sure he gets to be here for his daughters birth, it would also be nice if he had a few days with her before heading to Columbus for 5 days out of the week (at least he'll have weekends back home to see us).

All in all, just a lot of changes that have led me to stress a lot. Now, I'm having a big struggle with having a joyful heart and a peaceful mind about giving birth to our newest addition. It just feels like one more unpredictability that I really don't want to deal with. I know that this is not where my heart needs to be and it is not where God wants my heart to be as He already knows this little girl, He knows all the things she will accomplish, He knows what He has planned for her, and who she will become in Him. He has known her and her purpose since before she was formed in my womb. I want to embrace these facts and want a changed heart. I know that this is the first step, but I would love the prayers of my fellow mom's out there.

I believe that God knows well my need for this change of heart and that He will help to accomplish this change. I also believe that my need for this change is a big part of why little Avynne has not yet made her appearance. In God's perfect timing she will come, but I do believe that this will require me to get on board with things too. So please keep me and my attitude in your prayers. I could use them! I will also say that just getting it out there that I am not perfect and fall short has really helped to relieve the stress I have been feeling regarding this situation. So to everyone else who maybe struggling with a not so perfect experience right now please realize you aren't alone and that sometimes we just need to get it out there so that others are able to support.