Following UP

I figure its about time to write a follow up to my last post. Since my appointment almost 2 weeks ago a lot has changed. Five days after that first appointment my body started to recognize the loss and I began spotting. At that point, surgery didn’t seem as horrific as it had before. My doctor was wonderful and God so blessed me with finding him as I had pretty much randomly picked from our insurances list of approved OB/GYN’s. He was able to relate to our situation and was warm and receptive to all of my questions and concerns. He performed the sonogram at the follow up visit and was so very thorough explaining everything he was looking for in order to be sure that surgery would be our best option. After the sonogram he explained that the baby was big enough that he believed I would most like hemorrhage and end up in the ER if I were to continue to pursue a natural miscarriage. 

At this point, I was ready for this part to be over. The stress of waiting and not knowing what to expect had already caused me to drop over 2lbs in a week. I had spent the first half of my kids summer with horrible morning sickness and now I was going to spend the second half waiting to miscarry and then bleeding afterwards for weeks waiting for my body to return to normal. With the surgery, my doctor assured me even if there was still some bleeding that by the middle of August when we got to take our kids to our hometown water/amusement park that I would be able to participate in all the activities. 

So on Friday at 5:50 am we woke up and got ready. We arrived and our pastor was there to greet us, to pray with us, and to be with us as we waited. I was called back and everyone was wonderful. Members of my surgical team came and introduced themselves. The nurse who put in my IV got in in on the first try and got it taped up quickly. (This was such a blessing as I always have issues with my IV’s. Having given birth naturally 3 times this is always the WORST part of labor and delivery.) I was also so pleased when my anesthesiologist came back and explained that they would be using an oxygen mask instead of intubating. My least favorite part was when they put the medication into the tube that doesn’t knock you out, but makes you feel loopy. I hate feeling out of control and was just ready to be completely out. Byron said I got very weepy about Maddissyn’s bunny at this point and said we had to go to the pet store after I was done. Then I was wheeled back, moved from the bed I was on to the surgical bed. A mask was placed over my face, it made me cough once, I breathed in deeply again and don’t remember a thing until I woke up in the first recovery room. 

From there they got me a warm towel for my stomach which was a little crampy and wheeled me to my private recovery room where Byron was brought a few minutes later. The moment he walked in, though a lot is blurry about that time, I remember saying I think I’ll be fine to go to the pet store before we go home. For whatever reason they hadn’t put the “puppy pad” thing under me on this bed and after about 5 minutes I bleed through my sheets. Byron got new ones and helped me to change them, but after the exertion I was back to laying all the way down and it took me about an hour to get back to sitting up. Poor Byron was starving and ran down stairs to get a sandwich while I finished waking up so that I didn’t have to smell it because I was still feeling slightly nauseated. I got dressed and was ready to go by about the time he came back up.

We went from the hospital to the pet store and the 20 minute drive was long enough that by the time I got there I felt steady enough to walk around. There were no adequate Sir Tickle matches, but the local shelter was having a sale of sorts and we came home with not one but two kittens. Toby, and Rexy/Cow/Fluffy/Monkey/Tiger/ I don’t know what his current name is because we let a three year old name him.

My mom came down on Thursday night and just left today. Her help and company was so nice and the kids loved having her here. She allowed me to not overexert myself with the kids as I still had some stuff around her that absolutely had to be done. It was also nice to sleep in until almost 10 today with my hubby without the kids coming in to ask me even one question. :-)

Now to the heart and the emotion of it all. There is much that disappoints me about this situation. My youngest baby will be 2 in less than 2 months now. I was and am so ready for the snuggly baby stage and I am so disappointed that this stage will be postponed. We had told our families a couple of weeks before founding out that there was no longer a heartbeat through an adorable video of the kids holding signs talking about how they were growing and how even their hearts were getting fuller because Mommy and Daddy had told them that they I had one more person to love. I am disappointed that they aren’t getting that little brother or sister they wanted so badly and I’m sad that such a cute way of announcing was “wasted” on a situation where there will be no holding, no celebrating, kissing, or cuddling here on earth. I am upset that half of my summer with my kids was full of morning sickness and missing out on things that we would have done if Mommy hadn’t been sick.

On the other hand, here are some things I will never be sad about. I will never be sad that my baby is in the arms of my God. I will never be sad that he/she will never suffer his/her first skinned knee, that there will never be any broken hearts or tears, he/she will never be sick or afraid or lonely. I can never be sad that my baby is already home. God is good and for these things I rejoice.

I will also choose to rejoice in the life that continues to go on here on earth. I am thankful for 3 beautiful babies that I get to enjoy and that I have the opportunity to get back to life as normal with them. I will rejoice in birthdays, and loose teeth. In brand new school years and watching them learn. I will rejoice in the fact that God entrusted me to raise these 3 really awesome kids and that He has given me an opportunity to show them from a very young age how to praise Him even when a situation isn’t what you had imagined or hoped for. From this experience, they too will learn to rely on Jesus and through this reliance to become resilient and to leave a storm stronger and in better condition then when they entered it.

Lastly, I am thankful for a testimony and perspective. There is so much that God has for me to say to women. Not only women who have gone through or are going through the loss of a baby through miscarriage, but to women who are contemplating or have had an abortion. There is so little education regarding how your body will react to the loss of life within you. Even if one has chosen to think of the tiny growing baby inside them as nothing more than tissue, their body has other plans. We were created to crave and desire a little life in our arms once those hormones start to drop. We were designed with a desire to nurture the baby growing inside of us and our bodies react in this way even when we have chosen to see a baby as something other than a baby. Women who have gone through an abortion go through just as much a mourning and grieving process, only they often are uninformed and unsupported by their doctors and nursing staff regarding the emotional toll that their loss will take. I want so badly to be there for these women. To help them mourn, to help them heal, and to give them better information and support so that they don’t ever have see abortion as being the only option again. 

So even as things are coming to a close in this unexpected situation, I will say once again that I believe that God has a plan for me that is never to harm or hurt. He has a plan for my life that is meant not only to bring good and blessings to my own life and the lives of my family members, but a plan that is meant to bring healing and blessings, and good to the lives of those He has purposed for me to meet. God is good, and though there are many ways in which our lives would have been blessed by a new life, I believe that God loves us way to much to ever give us anything less than what He knows is best. When we choose to lay even our most delicate and precious blessings on the alter He is faithful and just to provide us with a replacement sacrifice and to bless our lives the way that He has promised to bless them from the very beginning. We must only trust that God’s blessings are bigger than any of the ones we could have dreamed up for ourselves.

Thank you Father, for a beautiful day with sunshine, and for 3 awesome kids to share it with. Thank you for your love and understanding. For gentle guidance and direction and your peace when we can’t see the big picture or understand the end game. Thank you for your provisions and your promises. Thank you that we can have the confidence in your goodness to not fear the world or any of the bad things that come from living in a sinful world. Thank you for your blessings that are new every morning and your love that never fails. Thank you Lord for raindrops, tears and healing.  Thank you, Jesus, Amen.