To be perfectly honest...

So unfortunately, I think a lot of times as moms or just humans we try and hide our insufficiencies instead of voicing them and finding that others have in some way been there too. This would in turn lead us to support, advice, or just someone who helps you to feel normal instead of like a failure.

So here I go...

Unlike the pending births of my older two children, this time around I'm not excited, I'm not looking forward to it, and quite honestly I can't get the thought that I really don't want to be having a baby right now out of my mind. This was not how I felt the whole pregnancy, but who cares how I felt a month ago when today as labor and delivery day is staring me in the face I can't help but wish that I wasn't about to bring another child into this world.

There are a great many stresses in my life right now and unfortunately it seems nothing is going as planned. I struggle with constant plan changes. In many ways I learned a lot of flexibility being married to a military man, but my flexibility only goes so far and unfortunately in the past year my plans have been changed a lot. We originally thought Byron would be almost done with the academy at this point having heard rumor of a spring class, Avynne was not exactly a planned pregnancy and that story actually begins with a hormonal pregnancy the month before that was not planned (so just as we were getting use to be pregnant we found out we weren't and then just as we were okay with that being the case we found out that we were again), we are having drama with the guard, and now trying to plan out how to diminish that drama with the guard get Byron to all of the orientations he needs to go to for the patrol and try to make sure he gets to be here for his daughters birth, it would also be nice if he had a few days with her before heading to Columbus for 5 days out of the week (at least he'll have weekends back home to see us).

All in all, just a lot of changes that have led me to stress a lot. Now, I'm having a big struggle with having a joyful heart and a peaceful mind about giving birth to our newest addition. It just feels like one more unpredictability that I really don't want to deal with. I know that this is not where my heart needs to be and it is not where God wants my heart to be as He already knows this little girl, He knows all the things she will accomplish, He knows what He has planned for her, and who she will become in Him. He has known her and her purpose since before she was formed in my womb. I want to embrace these facts and want a changed heart. I know that this is the first step, but I would love the prayers of my fellow mom's out there.

I believe that God knows well my need for this change of heart and that He will help to accomplish this change. I also believe that my need for this change is a big part of why little Avynne has not yet made her appearance. In God's perfect timing she will come, but I do believe that this will require me to get on board with things too. So please keep me and my attitude in your prayers. I could use them! I will also say that just getting it out there that I am not perfect and fall short has really helped to relieve the stress I have been feeling regarding this situation. So to everyone else who maybe struggling with a not so perfect experience right now please realize you aren't alone and that sometimes we just need to get it out there so that others are able to support.

Order in a Chaotic World

As I am preparing to become part of my local MOPS groups steering team there is a lot that must be done. First on the list, getting on track with God's purpose for my life. I feel I have been very blessed with a great group of women on this steering team who are all doing the same and with an excellent coordinator who has brought some things to our attention that could really help in this process.

One important concept that she has brought up is that our God is a God of order, He takes his time and enjoys every aspect of creation, he plans in tangible daily steps (just take a look at the creation of our world). We have also been created in His image and called to mirror our lives after His heart. This, therefore, would imply that we to should be ordered and purposeful in our lives, that chaos has no place. The question was then asked, Am I submitting to God's design for order or am I putting myself on the throne and trying to be "orderly" on my own?

Being the mother of 2 small children with 1 on the way, I understand that chaos may often feel like an every day unavoidable occurrence. However, as I read this call written by our coordinator, but I believe spoken by God; I realized that all too often my chaos comes from my desire to do it myself. I often forget to include God in the every day decision making that goes on at my house. Sometimes it seems to petty or makes me feel out of place or weak for needing help with what seems like such minuscule tasks. I am realizing that the more I involve God in my decision (even the small ones) and the more my young children see the order that He brings, all the more easily will my children follow suit. As I open myself up to submitting all aspects of my life to God, I am sure of the impact that His order will have on my own life, on the lives of my children, and on the state of my home. "For God is no t a God of disorder but of peace" 1 Corinthians 14:33a
My prayer is that I can step down off the throne and allow the peace of the King fill my home!

Spring Cleaning

As spring approaches I have found myself getting extremely excited while at the same time slightly discouraged. I'm excited for warm weather, days spent playing outside with my very cooped up kiddos, attempting to grow our own organic fruits (which if all works out will save us money), oh and did mention warm weather. Unfortunately, I have allowed my spirit of excitement to be reduced or even eliminated at times by some of friends on Facebook whose statuses have been all about "spring cleaning". Talk of cleaning cupboards, dusting the house, etc when I barely get all of my dishes done every day an have (in fact in the last week gone out to eat twice so that I didn't have to do the mountain of dishes waiting for me in the sink), has been to say the least discouraging. I will then go into a crazy perfectionist mood swings where everything has to be in perfect order and in its place. If you know my family at all you know this does not last long as having an almost 3 year old (in just a few days), and 15month old who is extremely mobile along with all the "equipment" or junk; as I sometimes affectionately call their tows, leads to very little order throughout my house for more than a millisecond. I then once again become discouraged, consider hiring someone to come do my "spring cleaning" for me, think about my dreaded bathroom which desperately needs scrubbed, and resort to sitting on the couch sifting through Facebook posts, checking e-mail, and overall just avoiding even the necessary household chores that come up. Well today will sifting through this e-mail, I came across a very encouraging e-mail from MOPS that had included in it an article written by a fellow mom who's been there and done this before as well. So here is that article for your encouragement and viewing pleasure as well............

The Case for Messy

By Christa Hogan, mom of two

Recently I spent a weekend with my little sister at her new home, which she and her husband have lovingly renovated. Everything was spotless and in order. When I returned to my house, I looked around and realized how far I had fallen from my pre-child, neat-freak days.
Sticky handprints decorated my windows and every stainless steel surface. My toddler’s rejected dinners splattered my once-white trim. The decorative pillows on my couch were lumpy and torn. I resolved to improve my housekeeping and set about scrubbing, mopping and sewing. This lasted for several days until I collapsed into bed one night, exhausted, burned out and no closer to my ideal.


"I re-resolved to embrace
the messiness of my life
with all it entails."


I suddenly remembered why I let my housekeeping slide in the first place. Keeping a perfect home with two little boys running around takes huge amounts of energy. I would rather spend mine on my family, friends and passions. Besides, perfectionist me is not much fun. She’s grumpy, worn out and resentful; her work is never done. I re-resolved to embrace the messiness of my life with all it entails.
It didn’t take long for life to test my resolve. Soon after I finished polishing every window in my dining room, my toddler pressed his nose to the glass and pointed at a bird in the sky. “Hawk,” he said excitedly. I congratulated him on his new word and left the nose print for posterity’s sake.


Dear God, please give me your perspective – that I might recognize the important and leave behind the insignificant.