A Royal Calling

With all of this royal baby news, and the most recent video of Prince William and Duchess Katherine presenting their baby to the world, I got to thinking. I looked at Kate holding her newborn son and wondered, “Has it hit her yet?”, you know the realization that in her arms she is holding royalty. She just gave birth to a prince. Her little guy due to name and bloodline could someday be King.

I wonder if the thoughts going through her head are similar to those of Mary. Katherine’s son, whether he wants it or not has duties, responsibilities, and tasks set before him before his little mind can even comprehend them, before his body can perform them. In a much more significant, yet less grand way Mary gave birth not just to a king, but to the King of kings. She gave birth to a baby whom she was told would be the Savior of all. I highly doubt she knew exactly what that meant, but somewhere deep down she knew there were things this little boy in her arms would have to face, things he was responsible for completing, and though she didn’t know the details just yet she must have at least sensed the danger that always comes with a task so important and necessary.

I imagine that Kate and Mary have much in common. Each being so enthralled with the birth of their first baby, each being caught up in the moment, the new exciting reality of every day with a new born, yet each in the quiet moments of the night as they hold their new born baby wondering what life and the future will hold for a child with so much responsibility already resting on his shoulders.

One of the biggest differences in the realities of these two women lies in the announcement. In some ways similar, the new prince had his birth announced on the steps of the hospital, our King was announced with a brand new star in the sky. Yet unlike the celebration that Katherine and William get to enjoy with most of the world rejoicing over the birth of her son, Mary and Joseph were quickly whisked to a country that was not their own to seek refuge from those who wished to see their son, our Savior, dead. Most of the world did not fall on bended knee, the “reporters” were not swarming to get the latest on the baby prince’s new life, they weren’t heading back to a life of riches and royalty. Instead they were running from hit men and living in poverty.

I wonder if Mary ever wondered “who am i, who am I to have given birth to a king?” She had so little that she couldn’t even give birth in an inn. She instead gave birth to her baby in a barn having no bed for her baby she had to place him in a manger to sleep. I am sure that while she was very willing to do God’s will that she often wondered why her, that she felt inadequate and weak. She probably felt incapable of providing her Royal Baby with a life that could properly serve his needs or his station, and yet God called her, God chose her. 

Often there are tasks set before us that seem too big to handle, too important to be given to us and yet God does give them. He calls us to tasks that seem insurmountable, unbelievable, and unachievable. He calls us to things that are above and beyond our abilities, that could easily point out all of our weaknesses, failures, and flaws and asks us to trust Him. He urges us to pursue these callings by leaning on His strength instead of depending on our own. In this way He turns our weakness into a testimony of His steadfast commitment to the completion of every good thing. Hebrews 13:20-21 says,
“Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” So the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, or like the task you are currently holding in your heart is to big for you to accomplish, remember Mary and the baby she held in her arms. Think of the task that was placed in the arms of a young virgin, a girl younger than most new mothers of our day, a girl who literally had the fate of the world born of her womb, the young girl who held the King of kings in her arms and called him her own. 

Following UP

I figure its about time to write a follow up to my last post. Since my appointment almost 2 weeks ago a lot has changed. Five days after that first appointment my body started to recognize the loss and I began spotting. At that point, surgery didn’t seem as horrific as it had before. My doctor was wonderful and God so blessed me with finding him as I had pretty much randomly picked from our insurances list of approved OB/GYN’s. He was able to relate to our situation and was warm and receptive to all of my questions and concerns. He performed the sonogram at the follow up visit and was so very thorough explaining everything he was looking for in order to be sure that surgery would be our best option. After the sonogram he explained that the baby was big enough that he believed I would most like hemorrhage and end up in the ER if I were to continue to pursue a natural miscarriage. 

At this point, I was ready for this part to be over. The stress of waiting and not knowing what to expect had already caused me to drop over 2lbs in a week. I had spent the first half of my kids summer with horrible morning sickness and now I was going to spend the second half waiting to miscarry and then bleeding afterwards for weeks waiting for my body to return to normal. With the surgery, my doctor assured me even if there was still some bleeding that by the middle of August when we got to take our kids to our hometown water/amusement park that I would be able to participate in all the activities. 

So on Friday at 5:50 am we woke up and got ready. We arrived and our pastor was there to greet us, to pray with us, and to be with us as we waited. I was called back and everyone was wonderful. Members of my surgical team came and introduced themselves. The nurse who put in my IV got in in on the first try and got it taped up quickly. (This was such a blessing as I always have issues with my IV’s. Having given birth naturally 3 times this is always the WORST part of labor and delivery.) I was also so pleased when my anesthesiologist came back and explained that they would be using an oxygen mask instead of intubating. My least favorite part was when they put the medication into the tube that doesn’t knock you out, but makes you feel loopy. I hate feeling out of control and was just ready to be completely out. Byron said I got very weepy about Maddissyn’s bunny at this point and said we had to go to the pet store after I was done. Then I was wheeled back, moved from the bed I was on to the surgical bed. A mask was placed over my face, it made me cough once, I breathed in deeply again and don’t remember a thing until I woke up in the first recovery room. 

From there they got me a warm towel for my stomach which was a little crampy and wheeled me to my private recovery room where Byron was brought a few minutes later. The moment he walked in, though a lot is blurry about that time, I remember saying I think I’ll be fine to go to the pet store before we go home. For whatever reason they hadn’t put the “puppy pad” thing under me on this bed and after about 5 minutes I bleed through my sheets. Byron got new ones and helped me to change them, but after the exertion I was back to laying all the way down and it took me about an hour to get back to sitting up. Poor Byron was starving and ran down stairs to get a sandwich while I finished waking up so that I didn’t have to smell it because I was still feeling slightly nauseated. I got dressed and was ready to go by about the time he came back up.

We went from the hospital to the pet store and the 20 minute drive was long enough that by the time I got there I felt steady enough to walk around. There were no adequate Sir Tickle matches, but the local shelter was having a sale of sorts and we came home with not one but two kittens. Toby, and Rexy/Cow/Fluffy/Monkey/Tiger/ I don’t know what his current name is because we let a three year old name him.

My mom came down on Thursday night and just left today. Her help and company was so nice and the kids loved having her here. She allowed me to not overexert myself with the kids as I still had some stuff around her that absolutely had to be done. It was also nice to sleep in until almost 10 today with my hubby without the kids coming in to ask me even one question. :-)

Now to the heart and the emotion of it all. There is much that disappoints me about this situation. My youngest baby will be 2 in less than 2 months now. I was and am so ready for the snuggly baby stage and I am so disappointed that this stage will be postponed. We had told our families a couple of weeks before founding out that there was no longer a heartbeat through an adorable video of the kids holding signs talking about how they were growing and how even their hearts were getting fuller because Mommy and Daddy had told them that they I had one more person to love. I am disappointed that they aren’t getting that little brother or sister they wanted so badly and I’m sad that such a cute way of announcing was “wasted” on a situation where there will be no holding, no celebrating, kissing, or cuddling here on earth. I am upset that half of my summer with my kids was full of morning sickness and missing out on things that we would have done if Mommy hadn’t been sick.

On the other hand, here are some things I will never be sad about. I will never be sad that my baby is in the arms of my God. I will never be sad that he/she will never suffer his/her first skinned knee, that there will never be any broken hearts or tears, he/she will never be sick or afraid or lonely. I can never be sad that my baby is already home. God is good and for these things I rejoice.

I will also choose to rejoice in the life that continues to go on here on earth. I am thankful for 3 beautiful babies that I get to enjoy and that I have the opportunity to get back to life as normal with them. I will rejoice in birthdays, and loose teeth. In brand new school years and watching them learn. I will rejoice in the fact that God entrusted me to raise these 3 really awesome kids and that He has given me an opportunity to show them from a very young age how to praise Him even when a situation isn’t what you had imagined or hoped for. From this experience, they too will learn to rely on Jesus and through this reliance to become resilient and to leave a storm stronger and in better condition then when they entered it.

Lastly, I am thankful for a testimony and perspective. There is so much that God has for me to say to women. Not only women who have gone through or are going through the loss of a baby through miscarriage, but to women who are contemplating or have had an abortion. There is so little education regarding how your body will react to the loss of life within you. Even if one has chosen to think of the tiny growing baby inside them as nothing more than tissue, their body has other plans. We were created to crave and desire a little life in our arms once those hormones start to drop. We were designed with a desire to nurture the baby growing inside of us and our bodies react in this way even when we have chosen to see a baby as something other than a baby. Women who have gone through an abortion go through just as much a mourning and grieving process, only they often are uninformed and unsupported by their doctors and nursing staff regarding the emotional toll that their loss will take. I want so badly to be there for these women. To help them mourn, to help them heal, and to give them better information and support so that they don’t ever have see abortion as being the only option again. 

So even as things are coming to a close in this unexpected situation, I will say once again that I believe that God has a plan for me that is never to harm or hurt. He has a plan for my life that is meant not only to bring good and blessings to my own life and the lives of my family members, but a plan that is meant to bring healing and blessings, and good to the lives of those He has purposed for me to meet. God is good, and though there are many ways in which our lives would have been blessed by a new life, I believe that God loves us way to much to ever give us anything less than what He knows is best. When we choose to lay even our most delicate and precious blessings on the alter He is faithful and just to provide us with a replacement sacrifice and to bless our lives the way that He has promised to bless them from the very beginning. We must only trust that God’s blessings are bigger than any of the ones we could have dreamed up for ourselves.

Thank you Father, for a beautiful day with sunshine, and for 3 awesome kids to share it with. Thank you for your love and understanding. For gentle guidance and direction and your peace when we can’t see the big picture or understand the end game. Thank you for your provisions and your promises. Thank you that we can have the confidence in your goodness to not fear the world or any of the bad things that come from living in a sinful world. Thank you for your blessings that are new every morning and your love that never fails. Thank you Lord for raindrops, tears and healing.  Thank you, Jesus, Amen.

Not What I Was Expecting

July 3rd, hubby’s schedule messed up, kids have to go with me to my OB apt. Having been in the military and having Byron go through the OSHP academy it wasn’t a new task, but it still wasn’t a convenient one. I decided to plan ahead, leave early and hit the store for some snacks. We stopped at aldi’s and got snacks then headed over to Chic-Fill-A to pick up some lunch. Drove to the clinic loaded Avynne, the snacks, drinks, lunch and a last minute thought of the kids library books into the stroller. Got Killien’s shoes on and headed for the door. 

There was an interesting time with the elevator as we were closest to the door but the man in the wheelchair inside needed to get out sooner. I should have just waited for the next one, but it would have only delayed the inevitable. We got upstairs, got checked in, sat down to eat. Avynne insisted that the cup of lemonade be kept in her holder. It only took about 5 minutes for it to fall to the floor and have the straw come out the bottom of the styrofoam cup all at the same time resulting in an entire glass of lemonade all over the floor. Maddissyn asked the receptionist for paper towels. When what we were given wasn’t enough she had to go back 3 more times. Ugh, crazy kids. 

It was our turn now little man went to the door when my name was called and the nurse asked if he was me. He looked a little confused shook his head and pointed to me. We walked through the halls to the weight and blood pressure room. I had gained a pound and blood pressure was good. Off to the exam room. My doctors nurse practitioner came in. She told me that my labs and blood work from my last appointment were perfect and everything looked good. Then she looked for the baby’s heart beat with the little Doppler machine. She couldn’t find anything, but assured me that sometimes at 14 weeks it can be hard to find, but she wanted to take a look with the sonogram machine. The kids and I filed back out and towards another room. They were excited to see the baby just as they had seen Avynne a couple of years ago. Avynne was clueless as to what was going on but was happy as can be. 

I got up on the bed she turned on the machine and placed the warm gel on my stomach.  Then she placed the machines “paddle?” on my stomach and as I looked at the screen there was no need for explanation. The background music of my kids asking me where the baby was as well as the downward facing and motionless body of the baby that just 4 weeks before had been moving actively will forever be burned in my memory. There was no need for the sonogram tech to confirm though she gently shook her head at my nurse who then immediately apologized and related the message that I already knew. My beautiful bouncing baby from a few weeks ago was measuring at just 11 weeks when I was now 14 weeks and 4 days along. His or her heartbeat was nowhere to be found.

I was puzzled by how small the baby was as it was just a week before that I had thrown up for what seemed like the last time. My morning sickness was beginning to ease and I was getting into that great second trimester phase. I’m still waking up a few times a night to pee and yet this is saying that my baby is no bigger than what he/she should have been just a few days after my last exam where everything was perfect. No indication in my labs of an approaching miscarriage, a nice strong heart beat and yet here I am with all 3 of my babies looking at the image of my now dead baby inside of me.

We were moved to a more private room and waited for Byron to return the staff’s phone call. He wasn’t in a service area and it took him a while to get back to us. When I talked to him on the phone was the next time I broke down crying. He said he had to call someone and he would call back. A few minutes later the nurse informed me that he had called back for directions and would be there soon. The kids and I sat in the little room. We ate our snacks, read our library books, and wasted countless amounts of surgical gloves playing doctor and blowing them up like turkey shaped balloons. 

Byron finally arrived after what seemed like forever and we hugged for a few minutes until the nurse came into to discuss options. We had two, a procedure called dilate and suction in which I would have to be sedated with a tube down my throat and my baby would be suctioned out of me, or to wait it out and see if my body does things naturally. We decided to go the natural route.

So now we wait. I wait for my body to recognize the fact that my baby is dead. I wait to see what labor at this stage of pregnancy will feel like. I avoid most of the blogs that are scaring me to death regarding pain because every case is different. I am, however, clinging to one post by a woman who talked about how seeing her pregnancy through to completion and delivering her tiny infant was a healing process and felt almost redemptive. Still, I wait. Not knowing when things might start or how. Not wanting it to in many ways because right now I can still cling to the hope of a miracle. 

I believe in a God of resurrection and healing. I believe that if it is His will to minister to others through the resurrection of my baby’s life that he is perfectly and completely capable of doing so. I also believe that this is not the only way in which many can be reached through this situation. While this is a devastating and horribly sad time for myself and my family, we have the hope of an eternity spent together. This is a hope that many do not know. For them loss of physical life means forever, for me, it means just for now. It is my desire that whichever way God chooses to take this situation that I will be gracious enough to follow His will. 

Yesterday before I headed to my appointment I had an awesome, biblically based, and extremely spiritual conversation with my aunt in which we talked about letting God steal our show. Not in the most basic of ways, but in some of the most extreme ways to give up to God the control we so desperately long to keep. We talked about the Toby Mac song Steal My Show and how in some of the final words of that song he tells God that if God needs to he is willing to give up his career, his fears, his family. I want to live what I sing with Toby Mac every time that song comes on the radio, and right now I have the opportunity to do that.

This doesn’t mean I’m not sad. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry. It doesn’t mean I won’t go through a process of mourning that any loss of life will bring. It does mean that I will choose to see that even when the answers can’t be found that I can be sure that my God knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) I can also be confident that He who started a good work in me will see it through to completion (Philippians 1:6)

My God is the God of miracles, but they don’t always happen exactly as we would like. In November of 2010, I was fully unaware of why God would allow me to have a positive pregnancy test only to find out a week later that it was a chemical pregnancy that ended quicker then it would take most people to even realize they were pregnant. A little over a month later we found we were pregnant again on Killien’s first birthday. My little princess Avynne resulted from that pregnancy and I could not imagine life without her. If that first pregnancy test had resulted in a baby, my sweet baby princess wouldn’t be here today. She wouldn’t be hugging and kissing on me today. 

So here’s to trusting that even when the small piece of the puzzle we have available to us now is full of pain and heartache, that the big picture plan of an omniscient God and loving Savior is greater then any pain we may face in the day to day. To quote Casting Crowns,

From where I'm standing 

Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Oh, oh

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit [x2]

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

Abba Father, You are already there. I trust that from where you are standing you have a grand design that was made just for me when you breathed me into life. I trust that through the heartaches of this life and world that you have many more Avynne’s planned for me. Blessings that I can’t yet see, blessings that are bigger and better than any I could have imagined or planned for myself. I trust that I don’t have anything to fear in the mystery of this life for you have plans not to harm me, but to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. I pray for your peace that surpasses all understanding as many of my questions will most likely be left unanswered. I pray for your healing in our family, and your hand on our lives as we mourn this loss. I pray that if it is your will that you let my witness be that of a miracle of resurrection, but if that is not in your will that you allow me to focus on sharing the hope of eternity that I have with those who have gone through or are going through similar situations. I ask all of this in your loving, comforting, peace giving name Jesus, Amen.